The Story

It was nobody’s fault. She knew it had to be done. She had left home 3 months ago, on this very day, she had settled into her new life. Her hopes were high, she wanted to see the world and experience life as it comes. Little did she know that even in the midst of everything pristine, there would be an inherent decay. Little did she realize then what she sees as cool waves of life would make her cold within and lifeless.

Its been more than a month when she saw the change in herself, her appearance. It was then that she noticed parts of her everywhere, as iff she had broken down, unknowingly. The fun and excitement posed a sudden question, to what end, if this? Her initial reaction was that of shock, which soon turned into denial. She lived with that feeling even after she had to return. She was losing herself, but at such a rate. She was scared for her future, confused at her state. She wanted to share it but was not able to. She remained quiet, aware of the fire and frustration building up within. She knew it is almost time. But was she ready to face it? What about her future? What would happen once she is done with it?

Finally she dressed up, took her purse, checked iff she had enough cash. She even took her card, just in case. Took up an auto and gave the auto driver the address. For the first time ever she didn’t bargain. What she was to do in the next few minutes will change a lot of things, she knew, the bargain didn’t matter that day. When she reached, she could feel the air inside. Every person looked as if they knew what they did. It didn’t frighten her, she had made up her mind. They welcomed her into the building, as if they were expecting her. She paid up the entire amount upfront. Her hands didn’t tremble; there was no doubt in her voice. She took the place assigned to her and closed her eyes. She could feel a man approaching her, she could hear the shrill sound of steel and sharp objects. She shooed away all opposing thoughts. It was but a matter of minutes.

She opened her eyes, and smiled. The haircut was as she had expected.

Conflicting thoughts

Someday on a warm Saturday afternoon, holding a pen and a blank sheet, 
My words turn into silence, a mocking portray of emotions underneath. 
I try I fight do everything I can, words, they still elude me, 
Play hide and seek my heart my mind, laughing away to cynical glee. 

No questions asked no statements made, just random thoughts seeking place, 
Some place somewhere deep inside, a shoulder to rest, giving solace.
Distress nor happiness, pain neither otherwise, a plethora of feelings breaking free,  
Wondering out loud with nothing to say, reverberant thoughts overwhelming me. 

Peace and content and noise and commotion, residing in one splitting it too, 
Concaving time and space and the world concaving lives, impressions true. 
As colours fill the sky with ocular strokes, and everything around with myriad hue, 
A voice I hear, a tune is played, soul dancing away to dreams anew.

You and I

If I had the words,
        I would write a poem for you.
If I had the lyrics,
        I would sing the song to you.
The days that were meant to be
       filled with love, just you and me.
Wonder if I be with you,
       will you love me back, will it be true ?

So real so true.

Why is what i feel, feel so true
The fun the hope my love for you.
Did everything i could to stay away,
from things right to everything wrong
Why still then my world resonates with your thoughts
and of dreams unsung.
Why do i still find so much of me in you
Heart's desire of affection and amor in myriad hue.
Strange as it seems, life gave me many a chance
to leave you to forget you to be in a world far apart,
Why then do i resent the very thought
of leading my life the way i want from the very start.
Why do i find tears in my eyes
unsure if they are only for you,
Why do my lips still hold a smile
wondering if all this is true.
The questions that i ask, the answers i seek
all that i feel, why is it that they seem so true,
Why is that my time my day and my night
my fun and my hope and my love seem so real only for you.

Living in a world of reality
i love to dream,
of things new and uncertain
hopes within.

I love the thought of 'us'
gives me wings to fly,
the tiny bristles of emotions
that go high up the sky.

Life is never in vain
every moment is true,
its truth that makes the world go round
its truth that makes me love you.

The dreams that i dream
bring a smile to my heart
,soothing as it always is
gives me a great start.

Of living in the world of reality
dreams that i love to dream,
of things new and uncertain
the hopes of life within.

Holding on to things ....

There is something i have realised lately, my impatience. Not that i have been the face of patience ever, but this time it strikes me as something cryptic. Not everything around me seem different in a weird sort of way, but some things and some people that matter or lets say mattered seem unreal. My happiness or more like contentedness, i now believe, is getting more and more obscure from the realm of reality. Even though i feel more in sync with myself, there definitely is the presence of something surreal. And am holding on to it..........
(so many thoughts .. all at the same time ... am yet to finish this post ... i hope..someday i definitely will..... )

scribbling

How does it feel to grow ? I don't believe much thought has ever been given to that. Or better still, what precisely must one understand when one is told to "GROW UP" !!!!!!!!!! ?

Well, each may have a very different answer to this. While for some it might be as casual as being asked to overlook some detail, but for some soul searchers, it might even be a life changing phenomena! For me ?? Well, it is largely a relative term depending, if not entirely, on the person saying it. Not ignoring various awkward predicaments of unforeseen circumstances, the GROW UP would signify some sort of learning and moving on. In cases of verbal fallacy committed, if any, the same-GROW UP- would conveniently assume the form of blatant ignorance. The least plausible case would be if anyone really looked deep into conscience and pondered over the much talked about, hyped and well-paid for theories in scores of documents, not to forget the word-of-mouth propaganda(s).
In totality, of the chaos and terms relative to perception, how can the GROW UP be paraphrased in politically correct terms, let alone feel it !!!!!!!

dwelving deep into my soul, as the moon shines bright.. engulfing me into your arms, filling each breath with light.. madness beyond self as i wonder, the entire existence of universe , driving deep into the slumber forsaken with each verse....
every syllable i utter, filled with frenzied emotions, emotions i hold within a strong conscience.... the heartless dilemma my soul fights so hard .. an answer so inexplicable fathomless and crude.. the dark and the light , the truth and the untold... as life goes on and i breathe into it .... my love for you goes even beyond might.....

Somehow somewhere

... things just don't feel the same anymore. Why does it happen this way , more often than not ? Am not being disconforming regarding the unusual turn of events, but the instances long forgotten are cropping up again. Names that i had so much wished to avert have resurfaced. So much to send shivers down my spine. But then again i wonder what is it that daunts me. Questioning again, if it fear of the unknown , hatred or just avoidance of something clearly annoying !
Losing Peace !!!!!!!!

i dunnoe what to say.. but i love you ... i still remember that evening when you came into my life... that was the 1st time i felt , what t is to hold a baby.. you were such an adorable one.. the innocence in your eyes.... your warmth.. for the 1st time i held you so close to my heart.. for the 1st time i felt as if i owned something ... that something was mine... i love you so much little one.. you r my tiny little lucky charm... you taught me how to take care f someone.. you taught me what t feels when you go out f the house without your baby... and you feel as f everything is lost... you taught me what it is to look forward for the day to end so that you can just rush home ... to be back with the one and everything in your life... i love you so much...and miss you a lot more... my dearest Archie.

post....

moving on in life is what life precisely teaches us.. it may be easy for some , may be tough on others ... but mostly it is much more than just a roller coaster ride.... our minds are inherent trained to look into the future while still keeping on the reminisces of past.... moving on being just a present phase..
... in mathematics, as i can safely dare to venture ! , moving on can be described as a function of time , say t , bounded between time of past and the time of future... little realizing that even the minutest of time beyond t = 0 (considered the present instant) becomes the time of future !!!! .. so precisely, it can be said that the function f(t) denoting the moving on phase is actually a limiting case where limit t tends to null magnitude ! ..... and if so then how can it be stated that any person has been trying to move on in his life , when practically, there is hardly any finite time duration for that !
anyways, keeping aside this crappy theory, what basically does one move on to?... future being a consequence of the past.. if moving on meant a limiting phase of "letting go" of what has been done , then how does it be in continuum with what is to come.. as we all know that life is but a continuous plot in teh dimensions of space and time ....

random !!!!!!! big tym !

i mean, how lucky can you even try to get ! when you have sooper cool friends laughing their asses off at the most ridiculous pj you have said ... well, i am lucky.. it seems, lady luck has been pretty impressively beaming down on me, esp in the friendship department....
a hard day attending classes, filled with voltages and currents would definitely get the better of your already lost brain.. especially when your repeated quests for a mass bunk falls light on deaf ears.. its when your chuddi buddies come to rescue.. meeting them after barely 18 hours seems very little to satiate the centuries of mental 'chamatkaar'(read, its just 3 lectures and am already off!!!) .. even Rancho would agree, its a lot of fun to gain knowledge, but definitely not when you know every detail, but the subject content at hand... any drop in signal sends half the planet(read, student community) to deep psychic frenzy... as it is the only and perhaps the best rated time to work upon ones interpersonal communication and stenography skills !.. world feels like "jag soona soona lage".. and heart toh is already a bachha...
its during these effortlessly designed suicidal situations when geniuses are born... right from organising the best imaginative party to giving the world famous fashion labels and designers a run for their money , virtually of course!..is accomplished right on the last pages of notebooks , without even bating an eyelid..
as the famed and over enthusiastic reading mass gleefully tries to pen down and understand (and/or memorize) the not-so-xtra techie facts and figures, its the rest of the supposedly lazy asses that dream big.. think big.. and well, definitely yawn big !!!
birds of the same feather flock together.. and when they come from variety of departments.. the flock is more than just rangeela ! .. discussion about everything related to the worthless of issues and crappiest of things seem gigantically tempting.. and the facades of sanity make way to play catch-catch with Alice.. pity her.. stuck in some wonderland!!! friends definitely form a backbone when you are short of almost everything.. right from paying for that extra cup of coffee to .. well.. even i dunno what ...
but at the end of the day.. you realize how unnaturally natural it is for the dil to frantically search for people who care.. who matter the most... 'coz its only then that the day actually kicks off ...

jus ignore if yu hv better wrk 2 do !!

it seems so amusingly weird .. how our minds work.. fragments of events portray a game of hide and seek almost every fleeting second... a lot can happen over coffee.. and when it comes to sipping a double coffee, even "a lot" fades to obscurity..
i wonder how Newton or rather what was he doing when he made the fantastic observation.. "an apple falls due to some random scientific jargon , "gravity" "... or better, why did poor dear Einstein had to shut himself up in his room just to end up with 3 letters, 1 numeric and 1 symbol character !.. err, just in-case i caught you scratching your head (which i obviously didn't).. i was referring to the revolutionary relationship created "e=mc2"..
thinking about it.. those smart chaps did definitely do some really good job.. else why would i be writing brainless phrases .. that do nothing good, if not bad.. sipping a mug of hot coffee !!!!

(im) perfect !

Reminiscing the past year as we venture into a new may not bear any worthwhile repercussions.. or does it ???
It is said, consciousness cannot detach itself from physical reality and that an observer is not independent of observation. So, looking back deep (or superficial) into the past, may be or not of the self, is primordially re-living the cause. A year comes with truck loads of wishes, hopes , dreams, celebrations, and greater levels of resolutions. To be the best student, daughter, sister, friend, etc, etc, fit in snugly into the already overflowing, multi-metamorphosed and never-ending list of new year resolves.
"Perfection is attained with sheer practice (and patience and perseverance). So try to be the best(read perfect) and out do everyother person!!! ". I bet, every child grows up hearing these (almost these) words. But how perfect is being perfect? To what degree of perfection can perfection get ?? Does that word have any concrete and discreet definition ? Or is it nothing , but just a relative and superlative form of anything seemingly nice !!!
A perfect life encompasses all that is correct (read perfect) ; which means, there can't ever be anything wrong ! Clearly implying the sheer absence of even a single mistake( let alone the "s" in mistake's'). Sounds perfect, isn't it ?? But give it a a thought. If there were no mistakes, what do we learn from ? The term, "right" would definitely lose its stand if there was no "wrong". light has a meaning only because of the presence of darkness. History teaches us lessons.. those learnt from the mistakes and not-so-perfect lives of many. Let alone oll these metaphysical hangovers, how interesting can a perfect life be ??? Just think about it . perfect day, perfect schedule, perfect food, perfect water.. no variety. Indeed, life would become so dull !
Contrast, an imperfect life..where everything does not have a reason, a cause and effect tagged.. where certain things just happen, because they are meant to happen, right or wrong.. where every situation or incident is not prey to the quest for logical dissection. Sounds fantabulous (fantastic+fabulous.. :P loll !!). And this life is so much real and simple. No complications.. where right and wrong are decided based on the situation, then and there.. where people learn, grow, n understand!
So, isn't it much better to lead an imperfect life perfectly rather than a perfect life imperfectly?? I vouch for a year sans any expectations, hard to follow rules or pre-framed resolutions .. rather settle for an interesting one filled with loads of adventure and excitement.
Wanna join in ??

The mystic symphony of silent words, not to be heard but exchanged... the cosmic confluence of scintillating passion, not to be averred but felt... the exhilarating advance of psychic intimacy, not to be traversed but cherished.... and hence, commit to you... I, me and myself......

17th Oct,09

its nice to be at home.. to complete the incomplete rangoli.. to help mom light the diyaas.. to hold the ladder when dad puts up lights for decoration.. to receive family and friends.. to get blessings from all.. to fight for the gifts and presents.. to sing together.. to burst craclers.. to run about creating a big mess.. to get mom's scoldings, filled with lots of affection.. to try and quieten the kids, shouting all along.. to share secrets with cousins.. to stuff each other with mithai and chocolates.. to do the aarti together....... Diwali is such a life , with family and friends..... HAPPY DIWALI !!!

MY...

Right from the moment i breathd life , and even before, to taking life's most crucial decisions...he has been there... seen me through thick and thin...never losing sight of me, even for a moment .. treats me like a lill' kiddo as well as a grown up young lady, all at the same time. He is always there to pat my back when i rise.. to break my fall.. to help me get up and move on..
They say, a "father-daughter" relaionship is special.. it was one such day when i did realise it..so deeply....... when i received my birthday card (sent by him, i was in hostel :( )..each letter encompassing all that he ever felt for his own lill' princess..thats me!! His thoughts , when he saw me for the very 1st time and held me close... hopes, expectations, dreams..all for the lill' one in his arms, filled his heart with pride. its his this unconditional faith, trust and love that has made me what i am now... placed me , where i stand today.
He has grown along with me... taught me tolive life my way.. always believed in me , more than himself... he is one who has his entire being defined in and for just 2 simple words ..... " my daughter " .
His is the most comforting hands that would ever hold mine..to never let go........ the most vivid pair of glasses my eyes could ever get........ a shield to protect me against all odds........ a shoulder i can always rest on. My ultimate source of inspiration, my pillar of strength, the one i always look up to....
The best daddy ever...... MY PAPA

WHEN HOPES SOAR BEYOND HORIZON, AND DREAMS SEE NO BOUNDARIES... WHEN EMOTIONS GO BEYOND CONFINES, AND LOVE IS NO LONGER JUST A FEELING... ITS THEN THAT I FEEL SO MUCH ONE WITH YOU... FROM "YOU" AND "I" TO "US" ... TRANSCENDING EVERY THREAD OF MORTAL CONSCIOUSNESS TO THE SUB-CONSCIOUS... HERE I AM, TO BE FOREVER YOURS...

FROM RAINBOW COLOURS AND MYRIAD HUES, TO HUMBLE PASTELS AND EARTHEN VIBES... FROM THE SILENCE OF THE WAVES, TO THE SYMPHONY OF DEPTH... DANCING TO THE TUNES OF COSMIC EFFULGENCE... CELEBRATING THE ETERNAL ESSENCE OF OUR BEING US...

TODAY, FOR THE FIRST TIME I REALISED THE IRREVOCABLE LOVE THAT YOU HAVE FOR ME... AS YOU OPENED YOUR DREAMY EYES TO THE TOUCH OF MY WET TRESSES... WATER DROPLETS BEARING A SILENT TESTIMONY TO THE PERFECT UNION OF OUR VERY EXISTENCE...